If you've found your way here because you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed in the last few months that I have split up with my boyfriend three times. I haven't done any of the splitting up. It's all been my very lovely but unrealistic man.
Let me set the scene. I am quite a strong character and typical of my star-sign, fairly bullish. I can be blunt and to the point, I also prefer to banter about those little aspects in a relationship that can get you down before they really do get me down and I get truly pissed off. My boyfriend, in contrast is a very calm and sweet individual who believes there should never be any issues within a relationship if you've found the right person. Work should never be needed to maintain it and if harsh words are ever spoken then they must signify the end.
The first time he finished with me, he had convinced himself that I was unhappy and that I didn't love him any more because I'd been tired and a bit ratty. Instead of talking to me and asking if I was OK or if I had any problems with our relationship he 'did us both a favour' and dumped me. An hour later when he realised by my very tearful and upset reaction that he'd got it wrong, we got back together, claiming that he now got my bantering and understood it wasn't me being nasty/ rude/ discontent.
Six months later (six weeks ago) he finished it again. This time (he said) because we didn't do everything together. Now if we did nothing together, I'd have said this was a valid argument but we're in two bands together, write music together, plus we share the social aspects of that. I explained to him that many couples do very little together and that conversely, most couples feel that doing too much together is more of a risk to a relationship. I spoke to some friends at work and one of them told me that her and her husband love each other dearly but spend no time together other than sharing meals and unwinding in front of the TV. My partner also said that he felt trapped. Again, if I was the sort of woman who put my foot down and never allowed him any space, any time alone, any chances to go and get completely wrecked with his friends I would understand but I don't. I don't often go with him when he's going to drink a lot as I don't drink as much and end up getting annoyed with his behaviour but this isn't stopping him doing it. On this occasion it took a week for him to realise that actually, he didn't do anything different as a singleton that he didn't do while part of a couple and he asked me to take him back.
This is the difficult bit. At this stage I advised my boyfriend that if he felt like this again he MUST talk to me or think long and hard as there was no way I'd take him back a third time because all this wasn't fair on me to keep being messed around. He agreed, he felt certain he'd got it out of his system and we would be fine, leaving me to start feeling secure again.
Last Saturday, he dumped me again. This time stating I did nothing for him, showed him no respect and that I'd got worse in recent weeks. Now admittedly I have let him do far more than his fair share about the house in the past but that has been mostly because I have been working while he has been studying a few days a week or been unemployed doing nothing except enjoying his hobbies. So we were through, finished; Despite the fact that he had only just got a job and hadn't given it any time to see how more fairly things would be divided between us at home. Despite the fact that for two of the five weeks we had been back together we had had a friend staying in our living room which gave us no time alone. For at least another week of the five, I'd been ill AND in the last five days, given up smoking which would turned any woman into a snarling bitch.
Because of my promise to myself, this time I told all my relatives and friends. Yet now the information from the above paragraph has sank into my man's head and he want's me to take him back. Again. Now I should refuse point blank, being messed around like this isn't much fun but that's my head talking. My heart tells me love isn't rational and that I'd be cutting of my nose off to spite my face if I walked away when there is the possibility of us fixing our relationship, which, when it works is bloody good.
So I'm removing the label of 'couple' from our relationship and instead I've replaced it with one that reads 'work in progress' and maybe this is the label all relationships should truly have. I've told my partner that he needs to talk to me so I know what work I have to do. He needs to let go of the idea that a relationship should be a walk in the park, all rosy with no harsh words and no work to be done because a good relationship is ALL about working together, constantly to make sure it is as sound and secure possible.
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